Friday, September 30, 2005

Well at least I now know what is behind that locked door in my flat...

There's a locked door in my flat, I don't have the key.

This is what happened, last night in bullet points

  1. Woken up a 1:45am by 2 large bangs 1 after the other
  2. Think it was outside, Manchester, roll over go back to sleep
  3. A very loud bang definitely in the flat
  4. Think "being broken into", sh1t self
  5. Push bed in front of bedroom door and ring 999
  6. I wish I had a tape of this bit, another bang and light from around the door, emergency services operator hears it.
    me: (whispering in case murderers in flat hear me) "fu*/@k, did you hear that?"
    him: "yes, sending someone right now"
  7. 5 mins of sitting in the dark hiding behind bed
  8. Police turn up, go into flat, no masked killers, terrorists, nothing broken, feel stupid
  9. Policeman listening at the locked door hears strange fizzing noises
  10. They ring "Trumpton" "they gonna be pissed off at you mate" he says smiling (they really called the fire brigade Trumpton)
  11. Now 2:30 am
  12. Fire engine turns up all lights etc
  13. 7 firemen and man in a white helmet that they all called "pump" all trying to get in the flat at once
  14. Policemen loving it
  15. Firemen decide the best thing would be to bust the locked door open
  16. They bust the door open.
    Its now 2:45 am and I think I may have dreamt the bangs
  17. Luckily, behind the locked door is the old house mains supply that should have been disconnected when they converted to flats and has got wet from the rain and is arcing a lot...It wasn’t just me then
  18. The fire men call the electric men
  19. 3 policemen, 7 firemen and "pump" and 2 electric engineers, not large flat, very funny
  20. It explodes again and finally shorts itself, but is still connected to the mains so the electric people dig a hole in the garden and cut it off.
  21. Police and firemen leave
  22. After digging the hole and finding the live electric cable the first thing the "engineer" does is get his biggest hammer and hits it very hard?
  23. I go inside and find a book to read thinking line from Brazil: "They've gone back to metric without telling us, again!"
  24. 6 am they cut off the power, flat does not go dark, leave big hole in garden
  25. Landlord has lots of messages on answer machine "the flat has exploded", "firemen are knocking down the door" etc
  26. Quick sleep
  27. Cycle to work

That is all

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Film Body Counts #5: Killing Zoe (1994)

Bank Robbers
1 (bank security guard shot by bank robber “Ricardo”)
1 (female bank teller shot in head by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (bank Manager shot in head by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (American tourist shot by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (women hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (male hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (“good boy” male hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
3 (1 bank security guard and 2 hostages shot by bank robber “Jean”)
1 (security guard shot by bank robber “Zed” after being blow up by bank robber “Eric”
1 (male hostage shot by bank robber “Oliver”)
1 (bank robber “Claude” shot by bank robber “Oliver”)
1 (policeman by bank robber “Francois”)
Total 15

Others
1 (bank robber “Ricardo” shot by bank security guard)
1 (bank robber “Jean” shot by police while trying to shoot himself in the head)
1 (bank robber “Francois” shot by police)
1 (bank robber “Oliver” shot by police, last line: “Ox! Where is thy yoke?”)
1 (bank robber “Eric” shot a lot by police)
Total 5

Grand Total 20

Monday, September 19, 2005

Film Body Counts #4: Highlander (1986)

Main Hero: Connor MacLeod
1 (Immortal “Aman Fasil” beheaded)
1 (Nazi shot)
1 (Immortal “The Krugan” beheaded)
Total 3

Main Baddie: The Kurgan
2 (Scottish Clansmen in Battle “when the MacLeods fought the Frazers”)
1 (Immortal “Ramirez” beheaded)
1 (Immortal “Kastagir” beheaded)
2 (pedestrians with stolen car)
Total 6

Others
16 (Scottish Clansmen in Battle “when the MacLeods fought the Frazers”)
1 (“Heather MacLeod” old age)
1 (“Hotchkiss” shot in the back by “Bassett” on Boston Common)
Total 17

Grand Total 26

Despite “Connor MacLeod” being stabbed, drowned, shot, run through three times in a duel and stabbing himself he doesn’t actually die from any of these and therefore cannot be counted in the body count.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

10 films with no speaking female characters:

1. 12 Angry Men (1957)
2. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
3. Master and Commander: Far Side of the World (2003)
4. Gettysburg (1993)
5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
6. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
7. Kelly’s Heroes (1970)
8. Das Boot (1980)
9. Black Hawk Down (2001)
10. The Thing (1982)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Film Body Counts #3: The Mummy (1999)

Main Hero: Rick O’Connell
7 (Arab horsemen)
5 (Magi on the boat, 1 by fire)
4 (Magi at campsite)
1 (“Imhotep”* sword after being made mortal again)
Total 17

Main Villain: High Priest Imhotep “The Mummy”
1 (“Pharaoh Seti I” also stabbed by “Anck-Su-Namun”)
4 (bearers locusts)
1 (American “Mr. Burns” sucked dry)
2 (Cairenes fire from the sky)
1 (Egyptologist “Dr. Allen Chamberlain”)
1 (American “Mr. Henderson” sucked dry)
1 (American “Mr Daniels” sucked dry)
1 (British pilot “Captain Winston Havlock” plane crash)
Total 12

Other:
1 (“Anck-Su-Namun” dagger by own hand)
9 (priests mummified alive)
1 (“Imhotep”* buried alive with flesh eating scarabs)
22 (French Foreign Legionaries)
26 (Arab horsemen)
2 (Magi by Americans on the boat)
4 (Magi by Americans at the campsite)
1 (Magi by “Evelyn Carnahan” at the campsite)
1 (Magi by “Jonathan Carnahan” at the campsite)
3 (Bearers by Magi at the campsite)
3 (Bearers melted by acid)
1 (Prison warden “Gad Hassan – smelly guy” by running head first into a wall tormented by flesh eating scarab)
7 (plague victims by American)
7 (plague victims by “Dr Terrence Bey”)
1 (“Dr Terrence Bey” by plague victims)
1 (“Beni” flesh eating scarabs)
Total 90

Grand total 119 (not counting mummies or general already-dead-creatures)

*“Imhotep” is counted twice as he dies before he becomes “The Mummy” and after “The Mummy” is made mortal again by “Jonathan Carnahan” reading from “The Book of Amon-Ra” this counts as two deaths, however, the mummies of “Imhotep’s” priests do not count twice as they are already dead.

Note: The Film Body Counts only count the characters that are killed on screen, not those that are shown as bodies i.e. the aftermath of a battle when the ground is covered in bodies these are not counted, I have only counted those that we see getting killed during the battle.