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Theres me in my tree house.
I need a computer - outsource to company, they provide IT support through another skilled temp agency, who sits next to me
Now there two of us we need a facilities person to make sure the tree house it up to standard etc
I need a security guard to protect my computer
I now need someone to do my website, they can also be the fire officer
Tree house is getting crowded
I need a human resources person to look after my growing staff needs
They all need feeding, need catering manager, and a chef, and someone to work the cash register
I now need a cleaner
So many staff I now need someone to manager them as its taking too much time
They need a support officer
Now we're getting bigger I need a logo and someone to manage my brand, so a design person can join in
The tree house is now too crowded so I need to rent somewhere else, I'll move my IT department and the person who does the phones and internet connection into the shed
I now need a post team to manage the correspondence between my head office and the shed
And someone to manage the finance cost of the postage and travel between the offices
They need support
And I need another HR person to sort out the pensions and wages
An a union rep to stop me sacking them all

infinite cats

Infinite Cats

Prints from Hot Bed Press

Lego Bison Boy

Well at least I now know what is behind that locked door in my flat...

There's a locked door in my flat, I don't have the key.

This is what happened, last night in bullet points

1. Woken up a 1:45am by 2 large bangs 1 after the other
2. Think it was outside, Manchester, roll over go back to sleep
3. A very loud bang definitely in the flat
4. Think "being broken into", sh1t self
5. Push bed in front of bedroom door and ring 999
6. I wish I had a tape of this bit, another bang and light from around the door, emergency services operator hears it.
   me: (whispering in case murderers in flat hear me) "fu*/@k, did you hear that?"
   him: "yes, sending someone right now"
7. 5 mins of sitting in the dark hiding behind bed
8. Police turn up, go into flat, no masked killers, terrorists, nothing broken, feel stupid
9. Policeman listening at the locked door hears strange fizzing noises
10. They ring "Trumpton" "they gonna be pissed off at you mate" he says smiling (they really called the fire brigade Trumpton)
11. Now 2:30 am
12. Fire engine turns up all lights etc
13. 7 firemen and man in a white helmet that they all called "pump" all trying to get in the flat at once
14. Policemen loving it
15. Firemen decide the best thing would be to bust the locked door open
16. They bust the door open.
    Its now 2:45 am and I think I may have dreamt the bangs
17. Luckily, behind the locked door is the old house mains supply that should have been disconnected when they converted to flats and has got wet from the rain and is arcing a lot...It wasn’t just me then
18. The fire men call the electric men
19. 3 policemen, 7 firemen and "pump" and 2 electric engineers, not large flat, very funny
20. It explodes again and finally shorts itself, but is still connected to the mains so the electric people dig a hole in the garden and cut it off.
21. Police and firemen leave
22. After digging the hole and finding the live electric cable the first thing the "engineer" does is get his biggest hammer and hits it very hard?
23. I go inside and find a book to read thinking line from Brazil: "They've gone back to metric without telling us, again!"
24. 6 am they cut off the power, flat does not go dark, leave big hole in garden
25. Landlord has lots of messages on answer machine "the flat has exploded", "firemen are knocking down the door" etc
26. Quick sleep
27. Cycle to work

That is all

Film Body Counts #5: Killing Zoe (1994)

Bank Robbers
1 (bank security guard shot by bank robber “Ricardo”)
1 (female bank teller shot in head by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (bank Manager shot in head by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (American tourist shot by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (women hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (male hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
1 (“good boy” male hostage by bank robber “Eric”)
3 (1 bank security guard and 2 hostages shot by bank robber “Jean”)
1 (security guard shot by bank robber “Zed” after being blow up by bank robber “Eric”
1 (male hostage shot by bank robber “Oliver”)
1 (bank robber “Claude” shot by bank robber “Oliver”)
1 (policeman by bank robber “Francois”)
Total 15

Others
1 (bank robber “Ricardo” shot by bank security guard)
1 (bank robber “Jean” shot by police while trying to shoot himself in the head)
1 (bank robber “Francois” shot by police)
1 (bank robber “Oliver” shot by police, last line: “Ox! Where is thy yoke?”)
1 (bank robber “Eric” shot a lot by police)
Total 5

Grand Total 20

Film Body Counts #4: Highlander (1986)

Main Hero: Connor MacLeod
1 (Immortal “Aman Fasil” beheaded)
1 (Nazi shot)
1 (Immortal “The Krugan” beheaded)
Total 3

Main Baddie: The Kurgan
2 (Scottish Clansmen in Battle “when the MacLeods fought the Frazers”)
1 (Immortal “Ramirez” beheaded)
1 (Immortal “Kastagir” beheaded)
2 (pedestrians with stolen car)
Total 6

Others
16 (Scottish Clansmen in Battle “when the MacLeods fought the Frazers”)
1 (“Heather MacLeod” old age)
1 (“Hotchkiss” shot in the back by “Bassett” on Boston Common)
Total 17

Grand Total 26

Despite “Connor MacLeod” being stabbed, drowned, shot, run through three times in a duel and stabbing himself he doesn’t actually die from any of these and therefore cannot be counted in the body count.

10 films with no speaking female characters:

1. 12 Angry Men (1957)
2. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
3. Master and Commander: Far Side of the World (2003)
4. Gettysburg (1993)
5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
6. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
7. Kelly’s Heroes (1970)
8. Das Boot (1980)
9. Black Hawk Down (2001)
10. The Thing (1982)